The Evil That Men (and Women) Do...

How it differs and whether it is useful to compare

Photo by Vesky on Unsplash

Yesterday, the forensic psychologist, Jessica Taylor wrote,

A viral post on X is asking for ‘reasons men should fear women’ - and all the hundreds of answers are from men who have been cheated on by women they loved. Showing pics and screenshots of finding their GF/wife is cheating on them. And I get that, it must be horrible. Life-changing. Devastating.

BUT…

£10 says if I ask for ‘reasons women should fear men’, the answers are all rape, murder, harassment, stalking, abuse, assault, trafficking, exploitation and death threats.

That fear just ain’t in the same league, gentlemen.

You fear women cos they might fuck someone else and hurt your feelings, and we fear men cos we might end up in a morgue.

We are out here living totally different levels of risk.

To this, the political scientist, Wilfred Reilly responded,

Actually, without comparing the negative experiences of the two sexes, a lot of the male experiences seem to involve gender-specific and very damaging things - a lover aborting/killing your late term child, paternity fraud, bankrupting divorces, false allegations, abuse ~on par with "ours," etc.

For obvious reasons, there are less often videos of that stuff.

It is certainly true that, due primarily to sex differences, the most damaging things bad men can do to women are typically in a different category to the most damaging things bad women can do to men. It is unclear that, with the exception of the ultimate damage to a life - murder - which men commit way more of, what would constitute different levels of damage by which to assess risk. Nor am I convinced it is very useful to try to measure this and compare. It is not as though, if we could determine that experiencing a violent sexual assault causes greater lasting devastation to an individual’s life and is thus more to be feared than finding out one’s child is not one’s biological offspring while being denied access to that child, this would prove anything of any use. Nor would it indicate that we should only care about the worst experiences of one sex.

This exchange inspired me to publish a piece I wrote a few months ago when I came across a tweet that said, “Many men believe false allegations are worse than the act of rape itself which, to me, is very telling.” I am still not entirely sure what this means. Assuming it is true that at least some men think being falsely accused of the heinous crime of rape is worse than being raped, it could mean at least three things and all of them would, indeed, be telling.

1. “Many men believe that false allegations of sexual violence are a bigger problem in society than sexual violence.”

This would be suggestive of paranoia. We cannot know exactly how many false allegations of rape there are. The number will be somewhere between the number of allegations proven to be false and the number of men accused of rape but either not prosecuted due to lack of sufficient evidence to secure a conviction or found “Not Guilty.” Given that rape is a crime that is very rarely committed in front of witnesses and evidence of it is notoriously difficult to tell apart from evidence of consensual sex, it is particularly hard to prosecute. ‘Reasonable doubt’ very often cannot be ruled out. There are also the facts that the process of investigation is so traumatic for the victim that nearly 2/3rds of them withdraw their allegation rather than continue putting themselves through it and that there are still failings in police investigation methods. These factors combined almost certainly explain why less than 1% of rape allegations result in a successful prosecution better than there being an epidemic of women falsely reporting rape. Some individuals who claim otherwise do seem to be motivated by both paranoia and misogyny.

Failures in police investigation methods, which includes a failure to check whether a named suspect has a record of sexual offending (one in four had the report found) could certainly improve the prosecution rate. So too could a better trained police force to support victims and a speedier process in investigation and prosecution. Cases take on average 817 days to reach court which makes it unsurprising that, within this time, so many women decide they would rather drop the charge than have it hanging over them.

The belief that false rape accusations are more common than rape does not appear to be supported by evidence, so if this is what the statement that some men believe false allegations of rape to be worse than rape means, their belief would seem to be false. One can accept this provisionally without denying that false and malicious accusations do happen and are very harmful.

2. Many men believe it is morally worse to falsely accuse a man of inflicting the pain, fear and violation of rape on another human being than it is to inflict that pain, fear and violation on another human being.

This is also likely a false belief. Both acts are deeply malicious and vindictive and intended to cause the victim much anguish and ongoing trauma. Both can destroy their victim’s lives, careers, mental health and relationships. It can leave them isolated and afraid to leave their homes due to the fear of violence (one retributive) and carrying a sense of deep shame even though they have done nothing wrong. They are both heinous crimes which merit custodial sentences. They both violate the victim’s peace of mind and psychological wellbeing, but one of them also violates their body. The sex offender is a particularly dangerous kind of offender, a deeply psychologically twisted individual who gains sexual pleasure from watching his victim’s fear, pain and violation. He is likely to suffer from various personality disorders and psychopathy as well as childhood abuse and extremely likely to reoffend. The psychology of the few women known to have made false allegations is far less consistent. They include trauma from past abuse, personality disorder, revenge, alibi and seeking sympathy, as well as financial gain. There are also false memories which are not malicious and are deeply traumatic for the sufferer.

Attempting to make a moral case for which (intentional) offence is worse is probably not helpful. Sometimes, a certain kind of feminist and a certain kind of men’s right’s activist will act as though these two crimes are a kind of zero sum game and that if we acknowledge that false allegations happen, this discredits the victims of sexual violence. This is, of course, not the case or should not be. Some people will be tempted to deny their existence for this reason while some will be tempted to overstate them for an opposing agenda. Sexual violence and subverting the cause of justice are not even the same kind of crime. Feminists understandably worry that because female victims of rape have been disbelieved historically and are sometimes still treated sceptically that a focus on the small number of false allegations known to have been made could encourage more people to automatically disbelieve reports and make investigations even more traumatic and prosecutions even harder. As Jenny Hollander writes, in a highly controversial article, in which she argues to believe every single woman alleging rape as a feminist principle,

Every time you tell a friend or your Facebook feed or your millions of fans that you believe a woman has made it all up, you propagate the myth that women lie about being assaulted. You make it harder for victims of sexual abuse to come forward. You force people who have already been deeply traumatized to fear your wrath, as well.

I cannot accept the radical nature of Hollander’s #BelieveWomen stance which seems to regard falsely accused men as acceptable collateral damage for the undeniably good cause of making it easier for victims of sexual violence to come forward. This form of “tunnel vision utilitarianism”, as Michael Nayna has dubbed it, is a step too far.

Nevertheless, I can empathise with Hollander’s intuitive fear of enabling anybody to cynically dismiss genuine victims of rape and feel it myself as I write this piece. The sheer awfulness of being disbelieved and questioned sceptically as you relive what is likely the most traumatic event of your life is hard for me to even contemplate. This is especially personal to me as precisely this happened to a young family member of mine whose rapist was not charged despite medical evidence of severe vaginal injuries. That is the only time in my life that I have contemplated committing serious violence myself.

Meanwhile, legal scholars dealing in miscarriages of justice equally reasonably worry that pressure to increase prosecution rates for sex offences has led to changes in law that invert the presumption of innocence for the accused in cases of alleged sexual violence. As sociologist and legal scholar, Michael Naughton argues, contra Hollander’s collectivist stance, justice must be individual and based on truth.

I think it is important to flag up that I have also written previously about the extensive array of forms of harm caused to genuine victims of rape and other sexual offences, which they may never recover from, and nothing in this article is intended to, or should be read as, detracting from the horrific acts of sexual violation and abuse that they experience.

However, two wrongs do not make a right, and it simply inhumane, wrong and unacceptable that innocent victims of false allegations and wrongful convictions are sacrificed in the way that they currently are in an attempt to increase convictions for such offences. Moreover, putting one type of victim ahead of another type of victim is simply not justified, nor justifiable.

I must agree with Naughton here. Believing or disbelieving someone on the political grounds that getting justice for one kind of victim is more important than getting it for another cannot be justified. The relative numbers of each kind of victim cannot be a consideration here, nor can their sex. Truth must be the primary consideration in a court of law even if it is hard to come by.

I can also think of a third interpretation of that statement, however.

3. Many men believe they would rather be raped than be falsely accused of rape.

The wording is important here. Misogynistic extremists who believe it is better for women to raped than men to be falsely accused of rape can be dismissed here. I am referring to people of either sex considering the dilemma of deciding whether they would rather suffer awful trauma oneself or to be believed to be the kind of person who would inflict awful trauma on another human being. That is, the consideration of whether one would rather experience a harrowing assault upon one’s body or upon one’s character and which of these is believed to do most lasting damage to the psyche.

The lasting traumatic effects of sexual violence can be immense and extremely difficult to overcome. Survivors frequently suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in which they suffer flashbacks of the fear, pain and violation they experienced as though they were living through it repeatedly. They may experience lasting fear which pervades everyday experiences and severely limits their ability to thrive in the world. Survivors may also find it difficult to trust potential partners or feel safe and comfortable enough to enjoy sexual intimacy. Some may experience shame and a sense of having been tainted or dirtied by the attack as though they could somehow be responsible for somebody else choosing to inflict pain, fear and violation upon them. Sometimes this feeling can be produced or intensified by ‘victim-blaming’ questions about whether she could have been seen as flirting, what she had wearing or whether she had been drinking, although no answer to those questions could possibly justify sexual violence.

The psychological effects on a human being of being widely believed to be a morally repugnant person can also be intense and is often significantly underestimated in this age of public shaming and cancel culture. This is often regarded as mere ‘criticism’ but when the accusations are serious and especially when they are not true, the effects of being sunk in the esteem of ones peers on the social mammal known as homo sapiens can be profound. As Shakespeare’s Iago said 400 years ago:

Good name in man and woman, dear my lord,
Is the immediate jewel of their souls.
Who steals my purse steals trash; 'tis something, nothing;
'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands;
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him,
And makes me poor indeed.

(Iago in Othello, 1603)

This is born out repeatedly in psychological studies. As Hoyle et al wrote in the section on “Effects on Self-Concept and Reputation” in their study for the University of Oxford Centre for Criminality, "The Impact of Being Wrongly Accused of Abuse in Occupations of Trust: Victims’ Voices,” Effects on Self-concept and Reputation ‘

The wrongfully convicted can feel that they have experienced permanent changes in their personalities, which cause them and their families significant distress… .Stigma arose in two forms. First, from the actions and comments from others, who actively judged and excluded them, causing them to feel shame and hurt. David reflected that ‘the biggest shock is how differently you’re treated by those around you’, and Catherine explained, ‘people whisper and talk behind your back there's no smoke without fire. I feel I have to fight back and put this right but this also feels very lonely … I feel criminalised.’

However, stigma was also generated within the accused themselves; the combination of abhorrence at what they had been accused of, and their inability to fully clear their name, caused extreme pain and embarrassment. As Rhys put it, ‘I felt that being dead was a preferable alternative to having to be identified falsely as a child abuser… .’ Scott spoke of a feeling of ‘worthlessness’, and Marcus explained how elevated anxiety and self-doubt caused him to question his decision-making and professional worth. Rhys claimed: ‘I now have difficulty seeing myself being remotely employed, sociable and relaxed enough to pursue any kind of relationship… . Nineteen participants described experiencing an extreme, permanent character change. Susannah stated that, ‘you are no longer yourself, you are something that is so nasty. You are removed from yourself completely… .’ As Josef explained: ‘I changed completely who I was after the first knock on the door in 2009. I’ve never forgotten it; it’s as if it only happened yesterday… You never think it’ll happen to you… I am not the same person physically or mentally.’

The impacts described above help to explain the otherwise surprising trend in self-blame among the falsely accused. Ten of our participants expressed this in some form. Arjun described a phase of questioning himself, analyzing his every action, trying to find something about him that made children and those in authority mistrust or want to harm him. Marcus similarly recalls constantly questioning choices he made, and a lingering sense of having failed to protect himself. He and three other participants speculated that they had left themselves open to allegations by being a ‘tough’ member of staff, disciplining children and thus becoming a target of anger. Conversely George, Owen and Josef – after prolonged self-assessment – blame themselves for being too relaxed and informal with students.

The social ostracism involved in being suspected of something so heinous can also lead to internalised feelings of shame, guilt and worthlesssness. Dr Savin Bapir-Tardy wrote ,

The psychological consequences of being shunned can best be explained as a social death penalty. The immediate effects are isolation from family and the community. There is an attempt to make sense of why this is happening to them. How could the family have rejected them? The person then starts to attack their sense of self, which is also why shunning is often perceived as the death of personhood. This leads to feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness, depression, low self-esteem, suicidal ideations and self-harming behaviours.

Also, researchers in psychology have observed a high prevalence of PTSD amongst people who have been shunned… . The psychological consequences of being shunned are long. Although, externally there may not be any wounds, internally the wounds are deep and long-lasting.

Working therapeutically with people who have been shunned is very challenging. All of the negative beliefs that they hold about themselves are often, in the eyes of the victim, reinforced by the act of being shunned.  Also, individuals who have been shunned live with psychological agony, often for the rest of their life. In the long term, shunning becomes a long-term psychological torture.

Given the loss of selfhood and sense of worthlessness, fear, anger and self-loathing that are so often experienced by those accused of a heinous crime against a vulnerable victim even when they are found to be innocent and the psychological toll of being shunned, is it really surprising if some people do indeed feel that they would rather be the victim of such an attack than falsely accused of it?

I can understand this feeling. Having worked for 17 years with vulnerable adults, I remember the horror I felt when I was questioned about one lady with dementia and challenging behaviour who had bruising consistent with being grabbed roughly by her upper arms and pushed into a chair hard enough to bruise her bottom and lower back. Fortunately, the perpetrator was discovered. Would I prefer to have suffered such bruising myself than to have been accused of inflicting it on this tiny, frail and frightened lady? Definitely, yes. Similarly, when a young man with severe learning disability smashed me across the legs with a chair causing extensive bruising and a chipped patella, would I have preferred to have suffered that pain than been thought to have inflicted it on him? Again, yes. I would rather my person were injured than my character. I could live with bruises but not with people thinking I was the kind of person who would attack a vulnerable adult.

Rape is a different matter. I do not doubt that I would have been much more traumatised by that intentional, terrifying violation than by having a painful injury caused by an individual without the mental capacity to understand he was causing me pain and fear. As a woman, I am unlikely to ever face a false sexual assault accusation and, under UK definitions, could not be accused of rape as I lack a penis. Nevertheless, when considering, in the abstract, what I would say if I were a man and were asked if it would be worse to be raped or believed to have committed a rape, I might intuitively choose the latter, feeling that my sense of self and my reputation among all decent human beings could never recover while they believed me capable of such a thing while I could, potentially, with the support of friends, hope to recover from the trauma of sexual violence in time.

My final thought on this matter is that if the original poster is right and there are many men who believe that being falsely accused of having committed rape would be worse than the act of rape (assuming they are considering both happening to them and not preferring women to be raped than men to be falsely accused of it) this is telling of something positive about societal attitudes towards rape. If we lived in a rape culture where sexual violence against women were normalised and condoned, few men would believe that being accused of rape would be worse than being raped. The claim that many men think false accusations of rape would be that terrible, if true, indicates that they know we live in a culture which would not condone this and would despise them. Not only this, but they would be likely, according to the study done by the Oxford Centre for Criminology, to despise themselves and self-victim-blame for something they had not done because they would internalise that accusation and see themselves as disgusting monsters for having left themselves open (somehow) to such an abhorrent accusation.

From a feminist perspective, I think such a strong abhorrence to being wrongly suspected of the rape of a woman should be regarded as a positive development and not necessarily an attempt to invalidate or minimise the trauma of rape victims. This is not, after all, a zero-sum issue. To regard such an accusation as the vilest of indelible stains is to fully appreciate the appalling nature of sexual violence against women.