What do I do Now?
Some self-indulgent ramblings you should probably ignore.
Some of you will know I recently lost my mother to a sudden and unexpected stroke. More of you will know of my dithering back and forth on whether or not involving myself in the culture wars at all is good for me and especially on whether I can remain mentally and physically healthy and be on social media at the same time.
The next few months are going to be about grieving the loss of my mum and also setting her affairs in order and then I must consider what to do with my life. I am now (far too early) fully financially independent and so do not need to earn money to live. It seems likely that the best thing I could do is volunteering my researching, writing, editing & advocacy skills to causes that are of particular importance.
These could include:
Becoming more active in the Labour party of which I am a member and possibly even seeking to become a councillor where I can have more influence on driving the party towards focusing on socio-economic issues, creating affordable housing, strengthening the trade unions, rescuing the NHS and social care, paying essential workers a living wage and upholding the Equality Act in a consistent way.
Doing a masters in humanist pastoral care and then working in prisons and hospitals offering an ear to non-religious people in need of emotional support. My understanding is that these are particularly lacking in prisons and the fact that I would not require anyone to pay me could help me find a place in one.
Offering my services to a number of important organisations that help the most vulnerable people like Generation Rent, PALS, Carers UK, Detention Action etc for help with research, fundraising and communications etc.
Of all of these options, the masters in humanist pastoral care is most personally appealing as it gives me the chance to study and work with individuals. Care work of one kind or another is something I have always enjoyed particularly for its aspect of interpersonal communication. However, can I really consider myself a liberal leftist if I have the potential to actually have some influence on making the Labour more consistently liberal and do not try to achieve that. Also, humanitarian issues and enabling the most vulnerable people to afford to live and be supported with their care needs are very important.
Anyway, I have time to think about all of this and cannot really think very well at the moment anyway. My doctors have increased my antidepressants but I do not think I am more clinically depressed- just bereaved and in a complicated way because my mother and I, much as I loved her, often had a difficult relationship.
I am also quite significantly physically disabled at the moment due to the kidney problems, followed by a stroke-like-thing followed by some recovery but much weight gain due to meds required to deal with the nerve pain, then a fluey thing, followed by Covid, followed by flu. I have actually recovered from all of these, though, and what is disabling me most at the moment is fatness and a lack of fitness. It is very frustrating as I had got myself out of plus sizes and was particularly fit before all this happened. This is, at least, fixable.
Nevertheless, I may be particularly grumpy with Fat Activists at the moment when they keep insisting that anybody who dislikes being obese is suffering from internalised fatphobia. No, I am not, you absolute muppets. I am suffering from the inevitable hip and knee pain that comes from being approximately double the weight I should be. This is much like trying to do everything that needs doing in daily life while carrying another person on your back and not much fun. I am also very uncomfortable and at risk of diabetes or a heart attack and have difficulty putting my own socks on so I strongly recommend not coming at me with bollocks about body positivity.
This brings me to my final point which is what those of you who have got this far might actually want to know. Do I intend to continue to write about current political and cultural issues? The answer to this is almost certainly “Yes” as I have not yet found a way to prevent myself from opinionating at length on such subjects or tolerating people being wrong on the internet or staying off the internet. Even when I went away for a few months, I still plagued my friends with lengthy emails on who was being wrong about what and why until they begged me to start up a SubStack.
I have paused all paid subscriptions for the time being because I am not writing regularly. I hope to do more of this again soon, though, and am having some idea of writing a kind of ‘Thought for the day” thing in the mornings. I seem to wake up each morning with some current happening I have an opinion on in the forefront on my mind and it would probably be a good idea to get it out of my system with a short essay on the subject. “Thought for the Day” (for those of you unfortunate enough not to live on this sceptred isle) is a radio show that offers"reflections from a faith perspective on issues and people in the news." I would be less pompous and certainly less religious and offer “brainfarts from a Helen perspective on issues and people in the news.” Some of you seem to like those.
Anyway, I am not entirely sure what I am going to do now except that it will be anything that seems worthwhile and that I will, hopefully, enjoy. I am not really enjoying anything at the moment and would describe myself as “pretty fucking miserable” but I am sure I will get over it. I am well aware that I am one of the most fortunate people ever to have been born and to have the choice to decide for myself what I will do with the rest of my life so I will not be standing for any wallowing in self-pity from myself.
Get up, get moving and get on, Pluckrose. How is the world to survive without you pedantically pointing out the differences between things like Critical Race Theory and Contemporary Critical Theories of Race? As my dear friend and total pain-in-the-arse, Mike Nayna, says in his more pessimistic moments, I will probably still be doing this as the guillotine descends.
I am so grateful to you and what you call your ramblings :) this is a human you inspire.
I am so sorry for the complicated grief you are having to go through. I am a therapist and can really appreciate the complexity of your experience.
I have a strange thought ..have you considered ketamine Assisted Therapy? I have been doing this practice with clients for three years with solid, actual positive results clinically.
Thanks for doing what you do and how you do it. Whatever you choose will make an impact:)
You take time for yourself and do whatever helps get you through each day - whether that be studying or more leisurely pursuits. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it helps you get from moment to moment. And you will get through it and you will be even stronger than you were before. And then maybe please consider getting involved with Labour so maybe I can one day vote for them again!
Just to say, your work was such a help and encouragement to me during 2020 when I felt as though my world was crashing around me. I could not have imagined my country (GB), imperfect as it was, ever embracing racial identity politics. I am half white and half black and I think it hit me extra hard. It was as if forces were trying to divide my family, my friendships, my professional life - EVERYTHING. I used to cry in bed and at random times during the day. Can't explain how sad and colossal it felt, in my personal situation. Anyway - people like you gave me hope and kept me sane - because you had an understanding about what was happening and could articulate it (and even write a book about it!). So, I can't really convey how much it meant at the time (and still does now), but want to say a massive thank you.
And you WILL feel better after time. That is just about a dead cert. Time is the best healer. You'll definitely look back on this time and think, wow, I made it through. Sending a hug.
Amber